But What Hurts The Most
by navycorpsman
Summary: Frank Dumphy is killed by an IED. How does Vanessa react?


**_Looking back, on the memory of_**

_**The dance we shared 'neath the stars above**_

_**For a moment, all the world was right**_

**_How could I have known you'd ever say good-bye_**

**_Garth Brooks _**

_**"THE DANCE"**_

The sunglasses never came off. Even though she was inside, they never came off. She didn't want people, especially Eddie, to know that she had spent the past few days crying and her eyes, she knew, would tell them. She looked at herself in the mirror. _Just like the widows of the movies. _She thought. It hadn't really quite hit her, even though she was dressed in black and had spent the better part of the last two weeks crying. She still found it hard to believe. Frank? Dead? Was it possible? He had always promised to come back safe. It was, she hoped, a drunken delusion or a dream. It HAD to be. Frank would NEVER, could never, die.

On the corner of her dresser, it sat there, tempting to make it real. She tried to ignore it, but in bold black letters, it was there. **The Department of Defense…death of your husband.** That was all she read; all she could bear to read. The Army's condolences wouldn't bring him back. Nothing could. She threw a bottle of perfume against the mirror, breaking the bottle and cracking the mirror. In her head, all she could do was scream _HOW DARE YOU DESERT ME! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE EDDIE! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO US! HOW COULD YOU IF YOU LOVED US? FRANK, HOW COULD YOU?_ Violent sobs followed.

"Mommy?" Her son's innocent voice broke through her violent thoughts. She looked at him. He was clutching the teddy bear Frank had given him before they were married. "Can Bear come with us?"

For the first time, she realised the affect that his death had on her seven-year-old son. There were times, in her sobriety that she realised how mature he was for his age. And yet, here he stood, Bear in his hands, looking like a seven-year-old should look. He looked sad and scared. She waved him to her. "Of course, but don't let him go. I think Bear's going to need some comforting as well." She hugged him. Eddie worshipped Frank and always spoke of being like him when he grew up. _Don't ever be a Solider. _ She silently pleaded. _I couldn't handle losing you to a war either._ A honk outside let her know the limo was there for them. She adjusted her dress. "Let's go, honey."

As they left, she wanted a drink. She _had_ to have one. It would get her through, wouldn't it? She had only been sober 8 months and Frank's death made her want to drink again. She knew she couldn't when she heard her son ask if she was coming. She locked the door and got in the limo. He sat on her lap. She had, in these past few months, learned how to be a mother to him and she felt thankful for the gift of Eddie. Now, she wondered, what would happen to him? He blossomed under Frank and would he continue to blossom in Frank's absence?

She was acutely aware Frank's parents were staring at her. They hated her and she knew it. The limo was rather crowded with her parents, his dad and wife, his mom and husband, and her and Eddie. She looked at no one, but stared out the window, recalling the last conversation they had.

"**Jesus, Vanessa, I'll be home soon, so you can stop worrying."**

"**I can't help it. I do worry." She paused. "It's been eight months."**

"**Already?"**

**Even though she knew he couldn't see her, she nodded. "Yeah. Eddie gave me a card yesterday. He drew it. You should see it, Frank. It's of the three of us. It's precious."**

"**I'm sure it is." He paused a moment. "I'm proud of you, Vanessa."**

"**I'm just sorry that it took me so long to realise what I had. I'm just thankful that I realised it before I lost you forever. You're too good for me, Frank, despite all I've done to you."**

"**We'll sort everything out when I get home. I want us to work on our marriage, Vanessa."**

"**I love you, Frank." For the first time, she really meant it. "I mean it, Frank. I love you. I don't know how I'd ever cope if you were to leave me."**

"**You won't have to ever worry about that. I'll never leave you or Eddie. I'll be back. Promise." Pause. "I love you, Vanessa."**

_I'll never leave you or Eddie. I'll be back. Promise._ The words echoed through her head and she felt the anger rise. At the church, the pastor greeted them and gave his sympathies. She smiled weakly and, on trembling legs, walked to the white casket at the front of the church. The American flag draped it, as though it felt sorry at his loss. The casket was closed. It had to be. The IED made sure of it. The dog tags around his neck were all that could identify him. Those and that tattoo. The distinctive tattoo of his. The tattoo of the infinity symbol that only Frank Dumphy could have. As she gingerly fingered the casket, she thought of the day the Officers came to her door.

**She fought the urge to open the door. Maybe, just maybe, if she didn't answer the door and ignored them, it wouldn't be true. She opened the door and all she could hear was _"…husband's death"_ She didn't want to hear anymore. Everything else they said was a vague, hazy, blur. When they left, she shut the door and collapsed, giving into the violent sobs that overwhelmed her body. She hit the floor with her fist, screaming "IT'S NOT TRUE! IT CAN'T BE! IT'S NOT…"**

"**Mommy? Are you okay?" her son's soft voice broke through her screams.**

**She wiped some tears. "No, honey. Mommy's not okay."**

"**What's wrong?" He settled in her lap. "Is Frank okay?" His innocent question spurred more violent sobs. "Mommy?"**

**He promised to come back and take care of them. He promised to never leave. He promised. Now, how would she tell her son he wasn't? "No, honey. Frank's not okay?"**

"**Is he hurt?"**

"**Frank's hurt really bad."**

"**When's he coming home?"**

**She stood up and carried him to the couch. "Eddie, honey. Frank isn't coming home."**

"**He said he would." Eddie held Bear tighter.**

"**Eddie, you have to understand. Frank's not coming home. See, there was this really bad accident in Iraq and Frank got killed."**

"**Mommy?"**

"**Yes, baby?"**

"**Did he suffer?"**

She looked at the casket. _Did you suffer?_ Suddenly anger consumed her and she began to scream "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU LIED TO ME! YOU LIED TO EDDIE! YOU PROMISED…**PROMISED**, FRANK…THAT YOU WOULD COME BACK! YOU FUCKING PROMISED! YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LEAVE US! YOU PROMISED!"

She fell into Bo's arms. "It's okay, Vanessa."

"No, it's not! He promised to never leave me; never to leave Eddie. He PROMISED, Bo." She began to cry harder. Bo's arms were a safe haven to her now.

Bo's wife, Terri, softly rubbed her back. She had no idea what to say. Bo was safe. He was home. He lost a leg, but they could deal with that. _At least he's alive._ She thought. "I can't even begin to understand what you must feel, but I don't imagine it's easy for you." Terri softly stroked Vanessa's hair. "Frank will always be with you as long as you don't let his memory die."

Bo's Southern accent was soft and soothing. "Don't hesitate to contact me or Terri if you need anything, you hear me? We'll be there for you as long as you need us to be."

Vanessa nodded and, with Bo and Terri's help, stood up. Eddie stood in front of her, clutching Bear tightly. This time, she placed her entire hand on the lid of the casket. "I love you, Franklin Lee Dumphy. How I'll ever cope without you, only God knows. But, I will. Somehow. Some day. Some way. But not now. Right now, I'm in too much pain; in too much denial to think of moving on. What I wouldn't do to hold you one more time? To hear your voice. To kiss you just once more. God, Frank. I needed you. I _NEED_ you. God knew that. I hope He's happy He took you away from us. But, after all, all angels do need to go home, don't they?"

No, the sunglasses never came off.


End file.
